Three months of dating and her saying "I love you."
You have left me with a lot of questions swimming in my head today. Somethings were brought up, that I never really put much thought into before.
Somethings as you can tell I also cannot get across in words as evident earlier, partly to do with drugs, and partly to do with being caught a little off guard with no words to explain clearly.
(I am aware that some of these words, are not actual words)
I figured it might be best to put these thoughts in an email to properly convey what I am feeling and what I need to say.
First, let me say, that I have been having a fun time. The last 3 months plus have been a breath of fresh air, and I have been thankful for that. You are a very sweet person, very thoughtful, and caring.
When we first met, I felt that perhaps you were to sweet even, and that my jaded self, and in-pureness might not be compatible with your goodness, and concerned me. I quickly pushed that aside, and decided to go with it. In hindsight it may have been an early warning sign of things that I think are ok, might not be.
Let me express some concerns.
I feel that in 3 months time, we have had two fairly serious conversations about us, and our future. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does seem excessive for a relationship that young. Something that has become clear, is my baggage.
I have issues, we know that. Everyone knows it. This is something that has made the person I am today, and I shouldn't apologize for it. I do know it has cost me many things as well, but eventually they will win out for me in someway. The baggage as of today, I don't see it changing much. This is where I see more issues.
I am clearly not giving you what you need. You are right when you noted that part of me is missing. I am not sure what that part is, or when that will come back. I think it sees the light of day from time to time, but ultimately I keep it hidden. This isn't a conscious choice, but I do know what you mean. With everything going on in my word right now, I cannot say that this part will come out for a while.
What I am trying to say is, is that I am still me, but an altered me. I don't even know if you ever saw the entire me at this stage. Not much different then the other me, but possibly more happier and carefree as you have predicted. Let me be clear though. You have not brought me any unhappiness whatsoever.
I will admit looking back, reanalyzing, yes...I suppose some of my stress levels could include this relationship. It is fair to say that after you expressed your concerns that I could look back and feel that making time for you was causing me some difficulty. Not because I didn't want to see you, just not sure how to do it properly. I also think you are correct in saying that I need to want to be there.
For me, I felt that I did want to be there every time I saw you, and perhaps that little part of me missing as stated above, was the thing that was causing some question as to whether I wanted to be there or not. But I assure you I did.
What has left me with more concern. It's that I have been trying to change myself. And I always told myself (after learning this lesson the hard way) that you shouldn't have to change who you are. I stated early in our relationship that I had friends, and also liked my alone time. As agreed by you too.
Since then, I have not really made time for either of those things. Again...not treating our relationship as an 'obligation' mind you, just pointing out, that I truly was trying to give other things up, in order to maintain a healthy pattern of seeing you. And yes, because I wanted too, too.
I think diversity in a relationship, even alone time, is healthy and required. It allows the person to grow individually, and brings more to the table to offer the relationship. It's not a main issue of why I am writing this tonight mind you, but I felt it should be noted, that I guess trying to give those up, has also caused me some stress.
Bottom line [XX], is I am a work in progress. Most would probably run the minute my baggage was dropped, and I appreciate that you stayed on. The more I think and debate on this though it comes down to this. As I type this I woke up from a terrible drug induced nap ( I suppose it was a nap ) with a terrible sore throat (and yeah, still the back too). Yup, you guessed it, my early warning sign that I am getting sick. it's not a surprise I would be getting sick, I mean of course it would happen now. It would be easy to blame work, but it could also be the seasons changing, or not washing my hands after touching someone else's germs on a doorknob. But this is what I discovered when I woke. My first thought was, '[XX] will be disappointed now that I am sick' (or something along those lines - you get the idea). Now in my heart, I know I shouldn't have to feel that way. Knowing that if I do get sick this weekend, and it does interfere with our plans, or dampens my mood etc, that it would cause you grief. This is where I am struggling. I shouldn't feel that way, I mean, yeah it sucks if that happens, but the last thing it should do is cause you grief. And the second last thing I should be doing is worrying about it. I should be worrying about getting better, and not getting sick. But it's disappointing you, that is the issue here.
Now let me be very clear on this. The disappointing you is not your issue. This is who you are, just like all this garbage above is who I am. (crap, not implying that any part of you is garbage, just saying my stuff is garbage) I do not think you should change this, nor feel anything different then what you want to feel. But clearly this is what is missing between us. I should not be disappointing you. I shouldn't be stressed by 'us'. I should be giving you more.
I want to be that guy for you [XX], but ultimately the more I look at it, the more I realize I am not that guy right now. I don't know when I will be, I don't even know if I can be. I feel like I have wasted your time, and given you false promises. I don't want to hurt you, but I know I am, and it truly hurts me to do so.
I do not feeling like it's working. I am not sure what else to say about it, as I know it's super shitty for me to even be saying all this in an email rather then in person, but I figured it was easier and clearer this way. (probably not though).
I feel that breaking up, is the right thing to do.
I am really, truly sorry for hurting you. You are so special, and I feel I have just wasted that. But I don't want to continue something I cannot fully commit too right now. I do not want to cause you more pain, I don't want to cause you more stress. I know I am doing those things to you now...but I think you know what I mean.
I want to say, you did nothing wrong here. And I know people say that all the time. But truly, I don't want you to think that you should have, or could have done things differently. I can take all the blame for this one.
Anyway, I can apologize forever, but by this point you are probably more furious then sad, and I don't blame you.
I do care about you [XX], and I understand that you may need some time to digest.
You can call me at anytime if you want / need to.
For now, I am going to give you space.
If you prefer to let me have it over email, I completely understand that too.
I don't know what else to say ... just again, I am very sorry.